Homesickness was always such a foreign concept to me. Despite having lived in the same house and having a close relationship with my family, I don't remember feeling any strong longing for home when I moved away to college. My move back to Atlanta didn't have my heart aching for my college town even though that had been my home for 4 years. I was always just satisfied with the relocations and all the newness that came with them. I thought I was immune to homesickness, that I had natural antibodies that fought it off with ease. And yet here I am now, feeling a strange sense of under-the-weatherness that I can't quite shake.
Life in Korea is beautiful, and my experience of living abroad has so far been what I expected to some degree. The culture is rich and I love being enveloped in it, I'm learning so many new perspectives that I hope will make me a better person, and everyday comes with a touch of adventure as there's always something I haven't seen or done or tasted or thought before. But last night, I ate mac n' cheese I had cooked for a Friendsgiving and my chest got tight. And the day before I had almost choked up in class teaching my students about how everyone in America travels home for the holidays.
It comes in waves, really. I thought it would come in one big wave (if it came at all) after the initial shock of moving to a new country had faded. And it did. But waves collide with the shore and then recede back to the sea for a time until they once again tumble forward. And that's how the ache is.
I don't cry about it, really. It's not some big, emotional tide that sweeps over me; it's more of a general glumness. And the thing is, it's not like in those moments I want to go home. Living the life we're living now is one my proudest achievements. It's something I've wanted and dreamed about for a long time, and I love this time of my life. The thought of going back this moment to the same city I grew up in is not a pleasant thought for me. There's so much beauty in my life as it is in Korea. But I do miss my family. I miss the ability to have a conversation with anyone around me in a language I know. I miss the familiarity of my own culture and holidays and traditions.
I'll be happy to return to the states one day. But I'm happy here now. I now know I'm not someone immune to missing a lifestyle to which I'm accustomed. I think some degree of homesickness might even be healthy. I can better understand a fraction of what "foreigners" (what an ugly term that is) living in America must feel. And I know the life I had and will one day have again was beautiful enough for me to
long for. I wonder if I'll ever feel a similar ache when I look back on my life in Korea years down the road. This is my home for now, after all.
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